past events.

The irony of my situation is that I could have easily prevented this. I could have prevented all the pain, heartbreak, nightmares and regret. I could have easily paid the sixty two dollars at the pharmacy counter that day and taken a pill, a harmless nothing that could have succeeded it. My wallet felt too bare that day and money woes plagued me.
It was a cold and windy day, but nothing out of the usual. I had been feeling nauseous for the past few days. This wasn't completely unheard of though, and I took it as maybe I was getting a flu. Although I had eaten breakfast that day, I was weak. It became hard to stand all day, and on I break from work I went upstairs and threw up. This was the flu, and I was worried about missing time from work which would in turn effect my pay. So I took it in stride, I leaned up against the counter so I wouldn't have to put my full effort into standing.
I talked to one of my co-workers about being sick, and she jokingly responed,
"Maybe you're pregnant." I laughed, and then began to think about it. We discussed the possibility and she told me I should probably take a test, "just to be on the safe side."
On my way to the grocery store down the street from work, I fell into a panic. What if's ran through my mind, and I called a friend of mine who gave me now support.
Sitting in the bathroom at work, I waited, trying to figure out how many lines on the tests indicated pregnancy. I set it on a counter away from me and sat in corner, close to tears. Checking the clock, I crawled across the bathroom floor towards it. Upon first glance, I thought it was negative. A surge of sadness went through me and I admitted a sort of defeat. I studied this thin piece of plastic and came to the realization of what it was actually telling me.
I could feel the tears well up in my already red eyelids. Checking the clock once more, it was time to go back to work. I tried my best to destroy the evidence, knowing I would have to throw this thing away in the garbage at work.
My eyes were red, but I tried to pretend that no one would see them. The stairs that I climbed down to go back to work seemed like the longest I would ever walk down. My walk of shame. My coworker from earlier saw me and asked the outcome, but I knew she could see it on my face.

It was my day off, I had just announced to everyone that I had came back from the doctor's and was negative. The truth is, I didn't go. I had class this morning which I also did not go to. I couldn't have this...thing. I couldn't see its beautiful blue eyes and dark hair. It could never be mine.
I had attempted this so many times, slowly taking more and more pills until the world faded away. In the past, I had always given myself away, cried out for help or revealed to much. This time, I would be sucessful. This time, I wouldn't be dying alone. I had always had this fear of what would happen as I entered that darkness. Not this time, I would have someone with me, someone who I loved and undyingly loved me.
The house was so silent, and I faithfully, pill by pill, swallowed many. I washed my face and put on some comfortable pajamas. To make sure the deed was done, I took some cold medicine to ease my sleep. As I felt myself fade away, I wondered what would happen. Would I see his face? Would he have a name? I had already figured on out beforehand, Jackson Orion. It fit perfectly.

As I awoke, I wondered where I was. The room seemed so familiar. I stumbled out of bed and into the bathroom. Everything looked so similar, but not the same. My head hurt so fierce I thought it was going to pop off.

these days.

School starts tomorrow, and for some reason I always want to spell 'tomorrow' with two m's. Things have been revealing themselves lately, and though 'things' is such a vague word, I feel it is oh so appropriate for me. My days are shorter, longer, non-existant or stretch on for far too long. I'm mixed up. I have realized a few things, but its hard to put it all to heart. Sometimes its easier to just believe my own truths instead of accepting others. As long as my own truths are in the past and my present stays clear. Right now, right here, is brand new to me and I'm not going to let my past hold me back from continuing forward. Everyday, every moment is mine now.

to a first crush.

feet move in a swift pace,
fast as they can
soon to be distracted
by the yellow moon,
shining stars
and streets unknown.
memories are fading,
with the setting sun.
familiar places become unknown,
may june july
all drift away.
the grass undernearth
my feet is cold,
and damp.
a orchestra of crickets
play a midnight symphony
unheard of before.
the memory of this music,
so faint, distant.
an almost...
but not complete.
memories of this place
were always kept inside.
within metal walls,
a creation of man,
his creation.
sounds of the outside
almost never drifted
into these spaces.
fleeting emotions
that only exisisted
within these created
spaces.

these feelings dont go away.

my rules for living the rest of my life:

-document everything, you never know what moments you could forget
(writings, photos, and whatever means necessary.)

-never let anyone, male or female hurt you. in any shape or form.

-don't let your life hang on others words.

-adventure and never become closed in.

-learn, learn, learn and don't let anyone get in the way who's not worth it.

-follow through with your promises.

-listen to music that inspires you.

-don't be mean.

-revenge is never justified, just live your own life to the fullest.

-if you want to sing out, sing out.

-make music from your everyday life.

-money is not your life, but it can sometimes be your means.

-climb mountains.

more more more later later later...

my lips contort,
from the bitter taste you left on them.