The irony of my situation is that I could have easily prevented this. I could have prevented all the pain, heartbreak, nightmares and regret. I could have easily paid the sixty two dollars at the pharmacy counter that day and taken a pill, a harmless nothing that could have succeeded it. My wallet felt too bare that day and money woes plagued me.
It was a cold and windy day, but nothing out of the usual. I had been feeling nauseous for the past few days. This wasn't completely unheard of though, and I took it as maybe I was getting a flu. Although I had eaten breakfast that day, I was weak. It became hard to stand all day, and on I break from work I went upstairs and threw up. This was the flu, and I was worried about missing time from work which would in turn effect my pay. So I took it in stride, I leaned up against the counter so I wouldn't have to put my full effort into standing.
I talked to one of my co-workers about being sick, and she jokingly responed,
"Maybe you're pregnant." I laughed, and then began to think about it. We discussed the possibility and she told me I should probably take a test, "just to be on the safe side."
On my way to the grocery store down the street from work, I fell into a panic. What if's ran through my mind, and I called a friend of mine who gave me now support.
Sitting in the bathroom at work, I waited, trying to figure out how many lines on the tests indicated pregnancy. I set it on a counter away from me and sat in corner, close to tears. Checking the clock, I crawled across the bathroom floor towards it. Upon first glance, I thought it was negative. A surge of sadness went through me and I admitted a sort of defeat. I studied this thin piece of plastic and came to the realization of what it was actually telling me.
I could feel the tears well up in my already red eyelids. Checking the clock once more, it was time to go back to work. I tried my best to destroy the evidence, knowing I would have to throw this thing away in the garbage at work.
My eyes were red, but I tried to pretend that no one would see them. The stairs that I climbed down to go back to work seemed like the longest I would ever walk down. My walk of shame. My coworker from earlier saw me and asked the outcome, but I knew she could see it on my face.
It was my day off, I had just announced to everyone that I had came back from the doctor's and was negative. The truth is, I didn't go. I had class this morning which I also did not go to. I couldn't have this...thing. I couldn't see its beautiful blue eyes and dark hair. It could never be mine.
I had attempted this so many times, slowly taking more and more pills until the world faded away. In the past, I had always given myself away, cried out for help or revealed to much. This time, I would be sucessful. This time, I wouldn't be dying alone. I had always had this fear of what would happen as I entered that darkness. Not this time, I would have someone with me, someone who I loved and undyingly loved me.
The house was so silent, and I faithfully, pill by pill, swallowed many. I washed my face and put on some comfortable pajamas. To make sure the deed was done, I took some cold medicine to ease my sleep. As I felt myself fade away, I wondered what would happen. Would I see his face? Would he have a name? I had already figured on out beforehand, Jackson Orion. It fit perfectly.
As I awoke, I wondered where I was. The room seemed so familiar. I stumbled out of bed and into the bathroom. Everything looked so similar, but not the same. My head hurt so fierce I thought it was going to pop off.
