i don't know.

My head hurts so constantly and I feel like complete death. I'm not sure if this abuse thing is going to bother me aside from the physical. While I slept in the hospital last night I kept having these strange dreams/nightmares. I slept so soundly last night, or just very heavily.
I'm just not sure where things are heading currently. I don't feel hurt, betrayed, fearful. I'm just lost like I was before. Except now I have something I could potentially blame. Just need to gather up all the loose ends and break away completely.

thenextmorning

I feel like such a fool for trying to get closer, to try and think about something long term. I didn't want a relationship, so why does he keep pushing me back?
Last night seemed tragic to my fragile mind, and I regret most of the feelings I had. He isn't important enough to warrant such emotions. He isn't my wintertime love. He's just....a man. Men seem to destroy my hopes so easily. Their words spread like fire in my mind, its instantaneous. There's dirt still underneath my nails from last night and I must scrub it out if I'm to move on. The terrible thing is I know I won't....

fingers scratch into dirt,
uncovering slightly
spilt secrets
while the lies
escape lips
and the truth
never arrives
when
this body is nude.
stretches of skin
go on for miles,
tell myths and fables
of times not yet
discovered.

It starts off just the whiskey and the wine.

It seems to me that the sad songs are the ones that seem to have the most impact, they seem to linger the longest and cut the deepest. All the lyrics make sense, they all are so applicable. I'm wondering, am I molding myself to be just another sad song? Is it my mind that makes all these sad songs mold so well to my life story?
I had a moment of clarity a few nights back, and I've figured out much of what ails my soul the deepest. I love him. I am crazy about him, but I'm never going to have him. He's gone to do that things that he does, and I'm never going to be there.
In this brief moment of inner clarity I thought I could do without all others, finally commit, and it all seemed ever so easy, I wondered why I hadn't done it before. Afterwards, when I had sobered up, I realized that I can't commit to an idea. Its very hard to commit to a person who has no involvement in your life, even if they're just an idea.
I seem to need something physical. My most recent one is getting old, I just don't feel those same feelings for him, I'm quite bored. Not to say that I don't care, but I just don't care romantically.
I'm going to try to keep the fire going with my other, my first. He seems to be the only one who has lasted this long, and I think that he's going to stick around this time. My thoughts are so naive, but I cannot escape them. Maybe this time he will be around longer and we can have that great romance I've always had in my head. My obsession has lessened, so I believe some how this could work in some form or another.
These words will fill me with so much regret in the future, but currently, they are all I have.

fiery crash.

as the days flow on, life seems too ordinary and the events of days past seem so much more bright. hopefully i can get out and get mobile sometime soon. there doesn't seem to be much to write although my stack of poetry gets thicker as these days increase.

new romantic.

these thoughts don't seem to cease, even when i know they are entirely impractical. everytime our paths cross, these feelings erupt inside me and i feel so uneasy. like waves constantly crashing against the shore. it's beautiful for a moment and then its gone. this is the only way i seem to be able to live, and it's going to eventually kill me.
why can't you just pretend to love me?