dont think twice, its alright

this is pure self indulgence. its sunday, my last day free to myself until the hell that is next week decends upon me. i dont know if i will actually be successful in making all the hours i need to get but im sure going to try to accomplish it. my house is spic and span, all my laundry is done and i finally dealt with the popcorn apocolypse. i did not even realize how much of a pain it was going to be to get all that cleaned up. it wasnt too bad, just had to crawl around on the floor because my vaccuum kept getting clodged up with popcorn. who knew?
i must pack for my upcoming adventures today and get everything i need together. i also need to remember to mail out my rent , it cannot be late this time! i have to start treating this place i live in more seriously. its not that i have not, but i have realized that my actions need to start being independent of my roommates when it comes to rent and how i use the utilities. no one needs to tell me twice.
i miss henry a lot. sleeping without him is quite difficult, i should have known that was going to happen. i hate sleeping alone especially in an empty house. darkness still frightens me. not being able to see past a certain point makes me feel umcomfortable. we never know what lurks in the dark. it seems like a rational and irrational fear at the same time, i wish i control it but some of the things i fear control me. i mostly fear the unknown. i am terrified of falling because when you fall you are no longer in control. i fear loss of control most fiercly. i know mostly where that stems from but i have come to realize i dont know myself as much as i previously thought i did, and i realize its because i find reasons for certain things, mostly the negatives in my life. so who am i?

i am a twenty two year old girl, i hesitant to call myself a woman because that seems like a point in my life i have not gotten to yet. is that a negative thing? i dont think so. growing up used to be something i wanted so badly and now all i want to be is now.
i am pretty sure i have found the academic focus in my life and that is something i only question when taking classes that are required of me such as o chem or physics. they're not my focus and also quite difficult for me to committ myself to. i have not figured out whether its the work i have to do for classes such as those, the subject matter taught, the inability to grasp the concepts or just a simple lack of interest in something that does not quite match what i really want to do. i understand the need to take such classes and to learn these subjects but that does not mean that translates to acting on such a need.
i worried a fair bit, mostly while trying to study organic chemistry, that this wasn't the major that i actually wanted to be in. that frightened me a lot because i have been so sure that this is what i wanted for a long time. i cant imagine the stress i would be under if i was a creative writing major, and history though i love it wouldn't lead to much i wanted in the future. some things i find fascinating and love to learn but would i really want the focus of my life to be on such things and what would be the obstacles i would face to do something worthwhile with such an education?
i love plants, i love biodiversity, i had absolutely loved working in the field even when it is just menial work. im fascinated with this subject. i would rather have my love for other things be under my own control, my own time. being a creative writing major would be such a constant stress on my ability to produce things i actually wanted people to see. there are some classes i take within botany that i know i dont understand fully or work hard enough to produce brilliant work but im fine with that. its a process, science is a process to me and i dont beat myself up about not being perfect at it off the get go. my writing though, its so much more personal to me and its so subjective. what i think is quality could just be uneducated mush to someone else, especially someone with a doctorate in it. i want to be a poet and i feel that my quality of work is not good enough for a thesis yet, im still trying to track down that elusive voice of mine and make my work consistent.
i need to start writing more in general. keeping this "blog" is among my first steps to writing more often. its a project of self exploration, growth and and slow, slow, slow start to developing my art. i used to write so frequently, i journaled, wrote poetry and even the occasional story. currently i barely write anything and when i do i have such a hard time trying to find what i really want to express and the proper words to convey that expression to others. maybe im too critical of myself when i write.
or maybe i just need to write more and find what im trying to express to others. my poetry has been to focused on certain things and there is so much deeper i can go. it feels so surface level. like i cannot break ground but i can explain in the simpliest way what im feeling. i should start reading more. my vocabulary could use a lot of expansion. i have been forgetting my words lately and it frightens me.
so many things seem to frigthen me. or just concern me. if this is something i am really passionate about then why i am i failing to work at it?
if i love music than why am i not playing it?
my journey continues ever so slowly, im crawling through my life but the days do not increase in length becaus of this. at this pace i will never reach my destination. i will be stuck in a desert of lackluster creativity for the rest of my years even though i believe i can see my oasis.
got to keep trying.

on a good day you can see the end from here

my house is so clean, its spotless. i have literally went through every room(with exception to the roommates!) and organized every little thing and gotten it so spiffed up. i feel proud of myself for actually doing so much work. unfortunately, in the course of all this my cigarette smoking had increased exponentially. i was doing so well with quitting up until dead week when school began to get serious. now i have completely lost sight of my original goal. my desire to smoke a cigarette has completely overtaken my desire to quit. this will be my last pack though, henry has done such a good job on his end that i feel guilty when i smoke.
its very difficult for me to stick with goals, and especially those that deal with habit that i have and especially habits that are stress relievers or social in nature.
this year is coming to a close, and as with most people i want to make 2013 different from my previous years, i want to improve myself. im not waiting to start on these things though, but i do want to allow myself time to get used to being more goal oriented and following through with what i promise myself.

i want to start playing more music and actually comitting myself to doing so.
i want to start writing more, both for catharsis and self expression but also artistically.
i want to start having more control of my emotions.
i want to start controlling how i react to others, and not getting overwhelmed by them.
i want more organization but i know this one will be quite difficult for me.
i want to build stronger relationships with the people i know.
i want to actually spend the money and take the time off to see my brother.
i want to be better to my mommy and take care of her.

im actually quite terible at making lists. but as i develop specific goals i will record them to help me achieve them. right now i am simply observing parts of my life that need work. its overwhelming at times because it seems like i need to work on so much, but i have realized that i have a lot of things together in the larger picture its just smaller more quality of life aspects that i want to start working at.
i go to school, and have been getting better at taking pride in my classes and what im working towards academically. work has been improving a lot. its not the highlight of my day and to a certain extent i dislike the work i do, but making enough money and staying employed has not been a challenge. focusing mostly on these two activites in my life has allowed me to overlook all the other things i want to do. i could graduate, work in botany and yes, that's the overarching plan i have for myself but doing only that will not keep me happy. there are a lot of things in my life that i want to start doing, perfecting and really making them something more regular and cherished.
such as playing music. its been hard to me to keep at it because, well, it takes so much constant practice and attention to get to a point where im comfortable with my instrument. instead of working at it i have simply been collecting them. its nice having the ability to work with different ones, but its upsetting that i can't do much with any of them.
focus has been quite difficult for me. to sit and work at something for long periods of time has never been something i was able to do.
my very first goal is to learn how to play a song for henry as a christmas present, and i really got ahead of myself with this one... i want to perform it at my beginning of the term party. i think i did that to make sure i follow through with it this time.
watch me succeed.