my house is so clean, its spotless. i have literally went through every room(with exception to the roommates!) and organized every little thing and gotten it so spiffed up. i feel proud of myself for actually doing so much work. unfortunately, in the course of all this my cigarette smoking had increased exponentially. i was doing so well with quitting up until dead week when school began to get serious. now i have completely lost sight of my original goal. my desire to smoke a cigarette has completely overtaken my desire to quit. this will be my last pack though, henry has done such a good job on his end that i feel guilty when i smoke.
its very difficult for me to stick with goals, and especially those that deal with habit that i have and especially habits that are stress relievers or social in nature.
this year is coming to a close, and as with most people i want to make 2013 different from my previous years, i want to improve myself. im not waiting to start on these things though, but i do want to allow myself time to get used to being more goal oriented and following through with what i promise myself.
i want to start playing more music and actually comitting myself to doing so.
i want to start writing more, both for catharsis and self expression but also artistically.
i want to start having more control of my emotions.
i want to start controlling how i react to others, and not getting overwhelmed by them.
i want more organization but i know this one will be quite difficult for me.
i want to build stronger relationships with the people i know.
i want to actually spend the money and take the time off to see my brother.
i want to be better to my mommy and take care of her.
im actually quite terible at making lists. but as i develop specific goals i will record them to help me achieve them. right now i am simply observing parts of my life that need work. its overwhelming at times because it seems like i need to work on so much, but i have realized that i have a lot of things together in the larger picture its just smaller more quality of life aspects that i want to start working at.
i go to school, and have been getting better at taking pride in my classes and what im working towards academically. work has been improving a lot. its not the highlight of my day and to a certain extent i dislike the work i do, but making enough money and staying employed has not been a challenge. focusing mostly on these two activites in my life has allowed me to overlook all the other things i want to do. i could graduate, work in botany and yes, that's the overarching plan i have for myself but doing only that will not keep me happy. there are a lot of things in my life that i want to start doing, perfecting and really making them something more regular and cherished.
such as playing music. its been hard to me to keep at it because, well, it takes so much constant practice and attention to get to a point where im comfortable with my instrument. instead of working at it i have simply been collecting them. its nice having the ability to work with different ones, but its upsetting that i can't do much with any of them.
focus has been quite difficult for me. to sit and work at something for long periods of time has never been something i was able to do.
my very first goal is to learn how to play a song for henry as a christmas present, and i really got ahead of myself with this one... i want to perform it at my beginning of the term party. i think i did that to make sure i follow through with it this time.
watch me succeed.
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