words are spilling from my mouth but writing them down makes them feel uncomfortable concrete. i never existed in his life, a friend he had a fling with so he could be with her.
god its like i have written this story before, foreshadowing my own epilogue. i dont want to look at his things anymore, i just want to move on in all areas of my life.
the garden is going to need a lot of work, george is going to have some trouble initially adjusting to the new space, i will need to learn how to live in less, much much less.
i wish i could have had the strength to prevent this but him moving on so quickly just makes it all the harder to get over it. it doesn't feel legitimate anymore i feel like a filler for someone's year in france. im simply the fallow field, the damn canola crop that no one even wants but just earns some profit.
FUCK. all my words are so shadowed, maybe because im moving too quickly.

reasons i love henry cakebread

henry, i love you.
i dont know very well how to translate that into a gift for you. i had to elminate all gifts involving buying something readymade because i am unable to allow myself to spend any money because of this whole financial aid shblockle. so i thought of some things i could do for you that didn't involve more than a small amount of these things called "dollars".f

PAST and unfinished.

mothers day

its raining on mother's day, it feels so appropriate as we spend the day laying about and not feeling motivated enough to water the garden. the plants will enjoy this cool spell though, the lettuce and border plants are probably very thankful to get some moisture.
i wish i could rebuild all the walls that have recently been structurally uneasy. i have decided that he foundations of my life need to be set anew.
goals:
-move for the summer
-elephant tattoo(they never forget)
-decorate my new cozy space
-GROW
this breakup has made me feel so strange. i am no longer weepy, simply curious but without answers.
the world is a silly place though that begs to not be taken so seriously. i will carouse about and grow a nice big garden and the summer will still be the same as its always been, hot and full of questions. the new instruments are lovely, i have began to learn a new simple song to sing.
my words have become so contrived and steeped with metaphor i almost feel like they are written in code.
the summer is beginning and i can already feel its heat.

dont think twice, its alright

this is pure self indulgence. its sunday, my last day free to myself until the hell that is next week decends upon me. i dont know if i will actually be successful in making all the hours i need to get but im sure going to try to accomplish it. my house is spic and span, all my laundry is done and i finally dealt with the popcorn apocolypse. i did not even realize how much of a pain it was going to be to get all that cleaned up. it wasnt too bad, just had to crawl around on the floor because my vaccuum kept getting clodged up with popcorn. who knew?
i must pack for my upcoming adventures today and get everything i need together. i also need to remember to mail out my rent , it cannot be late this time! i have to start treating this place i live in more seriously. its not that i have not, but i have realized that my actions need to start being independent of my roommates when it comes to rent and how i use the utilities. no one needs to tell me twice.
i miss henry a lot. sleeping without him is quite difficult, i should have known that was going to happen. i hate sleeping alone especially in an empty house. darkness still frightens me. not being able to see past a certain point makes me feel umcomfortable. we never know what lurks in the dark. it seems like a rational and irrational fear at the same time, i wish i control it but some of the things i fear control me. i mostly fear the unknown. i am terrified of falling because when you fall you are no longer in control. i fear loss of control most fiercly. i know mostly where that stems from but i have come to realize i dont know myself as much as i previously thought i did, and i realize its because i find reasons for certain things, mostly the negatives in my life. so who am i?

i am a twenty two year old girl, i hesitant to call myself a woman because that seems like a point in my life i have not gotten to yet. is that a negative thing? i dont think so. growing up used to be something i wanted so badly and now all i want to be is now.
i am pretty sure i have found the academic focus in my life and that is something i only question when taking classes that are required of me such as o chem or physics. they're not my focus and also quite difficult for me to committ myself to. i have not figured out whether its the work i have to do for classes such as those, the subject matter taught, the inability to grasp the concepts or just a simple lack of interest in something that does not quite match what i really want to do. i understand the need to take such classes and to learn these subjects but that does not mean that translates to acting on such a need.
i worried a fair bit, mostly while trying to study organic chemistry, that this wasn't the major that i actually wanted to be in. that frightened me a lot because i have been so sure that this is what i wanted for a long time. i cant imagine the stress i would be under if i was a creative writing major, and history though i love it wouldn't lead to much i wanted in the future. some things i find fascinating and love to learn but would i really want the focus of my life to be on such things and what would be the obstacles i would face to do something worthwhile with such an education?
i love plants, i love biodiversity, i had absolutely loved working in the field even when it is just menial work. im fascinated with this subject. i would rather have my love for other things be under my own control, my own time. being a creative writing major would be such a constant stress on my ability to produce things i actually wanted people to see. there are some classes i take within botany that i know i dont understand fully or work hard enough to produce brilliant work but im fine with that. its a process, science is a process to me and i dont beat myself up about not being perfect at it off the get go. my writing though, its so much more personal to me and its so subjective. what i think is quality could just be uneducated mush to someone else, especially someone with a doctorate in it. i want to be a poet and i feel that my quality of work is not good enough for a thesis yet, im still trying to track down that elusive voice of mine and make my work consistent.
i need to start writing more in general. keeping this "blog" is among my first steps to writing more often. its a project of self exploration, growth and and slow, slow, slow start to developing my art. i used to write so frequently, i journaled, wrote poetry and even the occasional story. currently i barely write anything and when i do i have such a hard time trying to find what i really want to express and the proper words to convey that expression to others. maybe im too critical of myself when i write.
or maybe i just need to write more and find what im trying to express to others. my poetry has been to focused on certain things and there is so much deeper i can go. it feels so surface level. like i cannot break ground but i can explain in the simpliest way what im feeling. i should start reading more. my vocabulary could use a lot of expansion. i have been forgetting my words lately and it frightens me.
so many things seem to frigthen me. or just concern me. if this is something i am really passionate about then why i am i failing to work at it?
if i love music than why am i not playing it?
my journey continues ever so slowly, im crawling through my life but the days do not increase in length becaus of this. at this pace i will never reach my destination. i will be stuck in a desert of lackluster creativity for the rest of my years even though i believe i can see my oasis.
got to keep trying.

on a good day you can see the end from here

my house is so clean, its spotless. i have literally went through every room(with exception to the roommates!) and organized every little thing and gotten it so spiffed up. i feel proud of myself for actually doing so much work. unfortunately, in the course of all this my cigarette smoking had increased exponentially. i was doing so well with quitting up until dead week when school began to get serious. now i have completely lost sight of my original goal. my desire to smoke a cigarette has completely overtaken my desire to quit. this will be my last pack though, henry has done such a good job on his end that i feel guilty when i smoke.
its very difficult for me to stick with goals, and especially those that deal with habit that i have and especially habits that are stress relievers or social in nature.
this year is coming to a close, and as with most people i want to make 2013 different from my previous years, i want to improve myself. im not waiting to start on these things though, but i do want to allow myself time to get used to being more goal oriented and following through with what i promise myself.

i want to start playing more music and actually comitting myself to doing so.
i want to start writing more, both for catharsis and self expression but also artistically.
i want to start having more control of my emotions.
i want to start controlling how i react to others, and not getting overwhelmed by them.
i want more organization but i know this one will be quite difficult for me.
i want to build stronger relationships with the people i know.
i want to actually spend the money and take the time off to see my brother.
i want to be better to my mommy and take care of her.

im actually quite terible at making lists. but as i develop specific goals i will record them to help me achieve them. right now i am simply observing parts of my life that need work. its overwhelming at times because it seems like i need to work on so much, but i have realized that i have a lot of things together in the larger picture its just smaller more quality of life aspects that i want to start working at.
i go to school, and have been getting better at taking pride in my classes and what im working towards academically. work has been improving a lot. its not the highlight of my day and to a certain extent i dislike the work i do, but making enough money and staying employed has not been a challenge. focusing mostly on these two activites in my life has allowed me to overlook all the other things i want to do. i could graduate, work in botany and yes, that's the overarching plan i have for myself but doing only that will not keep me happy. there are a lot of things in my life that i want to start doing, perfecting and really making them something more regular and cherished.
such as playing music. its been hard to me to keep at it because, well, it takes so much constant practice and attention to get to a point where im comfortable with my instrument. instead of working at it i have simply been collecting them. its nice having the ability to work with different ones, but its upsetting that i can't do much with any of them.
focus has been quite difficult for me. to sit and work at something for long periods of time has never been something i was able to do.
my very first goal is to learn how to play a song for henry as a christmas present, and i really got ahead of myself with this one... i want to perform it at my beginning of the term party. i think i did that to make sure i follow through with it this time.
watch me succeed.

my life as of now

i have been in this little town since sunday afternoon. actually, its not really that small. i've just been lazy at my aunt's house recovering from the first hitch. crater lake was beautiful. a lot more amazing then i actually thought it was going to be. its one of oregon's last old growth forests! the great spanning views were what the best thing. looking over cliffs into expansive forests, seeing the parts of those cliffs that had crumbled into smaller and smaller boulder stretching into the landscape. i wish i hadn't of dropped my camera that last day on the roads.

at first we scaled roads. travelling up 3km segments scouring the edges for invasive species. how do i know what i'm looking for? "well, it looks different from everything else." there were so many different species in the park, and they all looked natural. dainty little wildflowers and patches of native grasses covered this place. coming back to civilization i've realized how many plants just aren't supposed to be here.

the roads were not that bad. even with my limp from the rocks in my foot and the cut on my toe didn't stop me. the landscape around me was too fascinating to make me bored or not keep going. the trails were a bit more difficult. they had more steep uphill sections, and my shoes are currently falling apart due to their terrain. getting off the roads was worth it. although the views are nice, there is nothing like being inside of it all.

there were all these purple daisies on the trails that i wanted to dry and bring back to mom, but i kept missing them on the way back. the hike in we focused on identifying and finding invasive species on the sides of the trail, so when i saw something i always told myself i would come back for it. i never remembered with those flowers though, so hopefully the memory and thought will be nice enough.

we hiked through a forest that had been the site of a burn a few years back, that was one of the best we went on. i love the look of a half burned forest, i even looked around for mushrooms growing in the area on our lunch break. the trees were so thin and tall. the half charred among them still stood. it was finally bright in the park when we went through that one. the most beautiful hike i have been on.

it also made me realize i was ill prepared for this first hitch. i neglected to realize that the temperatures in the park were going to get so cold, and that the altitude would effect me so much. i haven't been eating a lot in corvallis, and i didn't change my eating habits for all the physical activity i was doing for the job. late in the week i got pretty sick and had to spend half a day resting at camp.

i was spurred by this attack of ill health, and started to eat a lot better for the last few days. one of our segments was part of the pacific crest trail and i got to see all sorts of people. there were guys and girls that had been hiking through it for months, it was absolutely inspiring. being surrounded by that much natural environment was inspiring. i can see why people would spend five or six months of their lives hiking along that trail.

since the weather was a lot colder than i expected and the intense physical activity of the job left me drained, most of the time spent at camp was spent sleeping. i want to be a lot more active on this next hitch, but i also don't want to tire myself out.

coming back into town was such a nice feeling, with the comforts of home, a nice warm bed, showers and some love from family. i just cant wait for the next park though. it just keeps getting better and better.

does that make me crazy?

i cant help it, im a romantic. i fall in love, i care, i hope, i find beauty in most everything. still, it is these qualities that get me into trouble.

i want this man to feel the same, but i know he wont, deep down inside. so i start feeling hurt, start becoming nostalgic about when i thought it would work out.

my heart is such a fragile thing. and its easy to try and satisfy my need for a connection to another human being through random, and not so random sexual encounters. to get it deeper is to eventually be let down.

to sit next to the phone, constantly glancing over at it, expecting, hoping, wishing for a ring. and wishing for that to be him.

stop. i must see the signs and i must stop.

i must let myself down.